Hi Gemma. Old lady “survivor” here. I endured early childhood sexual abuse, rape as a young adult, and intimate partner violence. I am still filled with rage some days. I’m also a person who has chosen to tell her story because I am not ashamed. I spent a career (criminal defense attorney) trying mightily to understand men’s violence and methods of control. I am still baffled. I mentored young women and men as tutor, coach and sponsor. I’m still bewildered at the circumstances that turned one into a star and others into addicts. I want you to know that these experiences and the aftermath are not going to get “better” and you don’t need fixing. I have had years of not thinking about the bad shit, and then I get blindsided by a recollection or see a movie I have to leave because it triggers me. I loathe the cavalier way that our culture meme-ifies, highlights and shows off the bad behavior, then skips ahead to the new perfect life, never exploring the in between spaces, which are the fallow times you get to not ruminate, not “frame a story” to make it palatable, the times where you can do and feel all the silly trivial passing moments when you’re not defined by what you have endured. I have no answers. If writing and talking about it makes you feel better, do it. Just know that you can stop talking and thinking and worrying about something that happened to you that no matter how many times your turn it over and polish it up, you can’t make your mind accept or understand it. Not thinking, fixing, teaching — you can also be that person. You can stop letting those people live rent free in your head. You write eloquently. Please keep writing.
I feel this so much! It reflects my own life in so many ways - I recall once being led on by a guy from church I was interested in (we were going out so often that other people around us began to think we were a thing, yet he somehow claimed not to have “noticed it.” The dude had a copy of my car key at that point, I don’t know what to tell you 🙄). I decided I wanted to talk to him about it, but could only let myself do it when I framed that hard conversation as “something that would help him grow.” I recall specifically justifying it like that to my dad, who was like “why bother stirring things up, what’s the use?” and didn’t want me to get myself more hurt by making a fuss.
Well, we had our talk and I recall expressing a lot of anger, especially at his initial non-apology and all this lack of “noticing” (“women are out here reading minds all day and yet men get to just bumble around the world completely clueless of how people around them feel!? Start noticing the effect of your actions on others! Pay attention!” were some of my more memorable lines 🤣).
The whole time I was being so careful to balance out my anger with humor and other ways to cut the tension, to keep him comfortable. Yet afterwards when it was all over, I felt horrible (and was made to feel bad by others) about having been so raw and truthful. I held onto the “I did this to help this person be better in the future” line. Side note, I also developed a vocal injury from that conversation - not from shouting, but from the sheer tension of trying to hold my anger in while doling it out ever so carefully.
Shortly after this incident I started therapy, and one of the first things my therapist said to me was that I’d deserved to have that conversation even if it did nothing to “edify my brother” (gosh that phrasing still makes me gag!). I was hurt and I deserved to talk about my pain. And that was reason enough to have the talk if I felt I wanted to have it. 🤯
That was the beginning of a lot of change in my life.
Thank you for your writing, it DOES make me feel seen, and I’m glad it helps you in your own healing. You deserve to share your stories! We all do!
“I was hurt and I deserved to talk about my pain. And that was reason enough” YES! This. It’s so hard to move past that conditioning, and I am so sorry you went through that. Glad to hear you are coming to learn the value of your own experience, and doubly glad you are here to share it. Thank you
Living in that mode feels like being on edge. You’re always bracing, never breathing. Reading this reminded me of mornings where the quiet just… isn’t quiet. Thank you for giving it words.
Hey Gemma, thanks for this piece. It’s sparked a lot of reflection for me. Growing up evangelical, I know this experience of needing to justify everything as in some way of service in order not to be considered selfish and I love the resistance! We absolutely deserve to take up space and have a voice and be seen. I find myself caught in a bit of a tension, though. I am an academic so I have a small audience for my work, but I’m trying here on substack to tell my own story and, I hope, reach a broader audience as well. If I’m honest, I would really like, rather selfishly perhaps, to gain an audience, to have a modest number of people who are interested in what I have to say. I don’t just want to write. I want to be seen. On the other hand, I also know that I’m not entitled to an audience. I have to give them something of value and this seems to require being of service. I’m wondering if giving up the idea of being of service is only possible once one has an audience because one has to be of service to build an audience? Does that make sense? No obligation to respond, but I’d be curious about your thoughts on this tension if you are open to sharing.
I feel this tension so keenly. I am writing a book and being paid for it. By definition it needs to be of service to others in order to be written for a public audience who will (hopefully) buy it. I also strongly believe that good writing taps into the universal and helps other people feel seen in their struggles. And this is not at all problematic, it’s the nature of creative work.
The issue comes in when my primary or only motivation is to make something useful out of my story for others. I use storytelling as a coping mechanism to make it acceptable to say what happened to me out loud. IF it’s valuable to others THEN I can view my voice as worthy. I think I simply want to be able to hold both equally: that my story has inherent worth AND I get to share it in a way that others find valuable.
I understand all of this too well and love how you articulate your voice. I’ve deliberately woven gratitude into my writing because I felt obligated, and later, thought why am I like this!?
Oof, I have a whole chapter in my next book about how compulsive gratitude is weaponized against women to keep us from speaking out against mistreatment. When we’re told we should be grateful it usually means “stop complaining because we aren’t going to fix anything.”
Hi Gemma. Old lady “survivor” here. I endured early childhood sexual abuse, rape as a young adult, and intimate partner violence. I am still filled with rage some days. I’m also a person who has chosen to tell her story because I am not ashamed. I spent a career (criminal defense attorney) trying mightily to understand men’s violence and methods of control. I am still baffled. I mentored young women and men as tutor, coach and sponsor. I’m still bewildered at the circumstances that turned one into a star and others into addicts. I want you to know that these experiences and the aftermath are not going to get “better” and you don’t need fixing. I have had years of not thinking about the bad shit, and then I get blindsided by a recollection or see a movie I have to leave because it triggers me. I loathe the cavalier way that our culture meme-ifies, highlights and shows off the bad behavior, then skips ahead to the new perfect life, never exploring the in between spaces, which are the fallow times you get to not ruminate, not “frame a story” to make it palatable, the times where you can do and feel all the silly trivial passing moments when you’re not defined by what you have endured. I have no answers. If writing and talking about it makes you feel better, do it. Just know that you can stop talking and thinking and worrying about something that happened to you that no matter how many times your turn it over and polish it up, you can’t make your mind accept or understand it. Not thinking, fixing, teaching — you can also be that person. You can stop letting those people live rent free in your head. You write eloquently. Please keep writing.
This helps more than you know. Thank you.
I feel this so much! It reflects my own life in so many ways - I recall once being led on by a guy from church I was interested in (we were going out so often that other people around us began to think we were a thing, yet he somehow claimed not to have “noticed it.” The dude had a copy of my car key at that point, I don’t know what to tell you 🙄). I decided I wanted to talk to him about it, but could only let myself do it when I framed that hard conversation as “something that would help him grow.” I recall specifically justifying it like that to my dad, who was like “why bother stirring things up, what’s the use?” and didn’t want me to get myself more hurt by making a fuss.
Well, we had our talk and I recall expressing a lot of anger, especially at his initial non-apology and all this lack of “noticing” (“women are out here reading minds all day and yet men get to just bumble around the world completely clueless of how people around them feel!? Start noticing the effect of your actions on others! Pay attention!” were some of my more memorable lines 🤣).
The whole time I was being so careful to balance out my anger with humor and other ways to cut the tension, to keep him comfortable. Yet afterwards when it was all over, I felt horrible (and was made to feel bad by others) about having been so raw and truthful. I held onto the “I did this to help this person be better in the future” line. Side note, I also developed a vocal injury from that conversation - not from shouting, but from the sheer tension of trying to hold my anger in while doling it out ever so carefully.
Shortly after this incident I started therapy, and one of the first things my therapist said to me was that I’d deserved to have that conversation even if it did nothing to “edify my brother” (gosh that phrasing still makes me gag!). I was hurt and I deserved to talk about my pain. And that was reason enough to have the talk if I felt I wanted to have it. 🤯
That was the beginning of a lot of change in my life.
Thank you for your writing, it DOES make me feel seen, and I’m glad it helps you in your own healing. You deserve to share your stories! We all do!
“I was hurt and I deserved to talk about my pain. And that was reason enough” YES! This. It’s so hard to move past that conditioning, and I am so sorry you went through that. Glad to hear you are coming to learn the value of your own experience, and doubly glad you are here to share it. Thank you
Your writing is very insightful and makes me think. It’s relatable and it’s important! Thank you for sharing and being vulnerable!
Thank you for reading it and seeing me.
Living in that mode feels like being on edge. You’re always bracing, never breathing. Reading this reminded me of mornings where the quiet just… isn’t quiet. Thank you for giving it words.
Hey Gemma, thanks for this piece. It’s sparked a lot of reflection for me. Growing up evangelical, I know this experience of needing to justify everything as in some way of service in order not to be considered selfish and I love the resistance! We absolutely deserve to take up space and have a voice and be seen. I find myself caught in a bit of a tension, though. I am an academic so I have a small audience for my work, but I’m trying here on substack to tell my own story and, I hope, reach a broader audience as well. If I’m honest, I would really like, rather selfishly perhaps, to gain an audience, to have a modest number of people who are interested in what I have to say. I don’t just want to write. I want to be seen. On the other hand, I also know that I’m not entitled to an audience. I have to give them something of value and this seems to require being of service. I’m wondering if giving up the idea of being of service is only possible once one has an audience because one has to be of service to build an audience? Does that make sense? No obligation to respond, but I’d be curious about your thoughts on this tension if you are open to sharing.
I feel this tension so keenly. I am writing a book and being paid for it. By definition it needs to be of service to others in order to be written for a public audience who will (hopefully) buy it. I also strongly believe that good writing taps into the universal and helps other people feel seen in their struggles. And this is not at all problematic, it’s the nature of creative work.
The issue comes in when my primary or only motivation is to make something useful out of my story for others. I use storytelling as a coping mechanism to make it acceptable to say what happened to me out loud. IF it’s valuable to others THEN I can view my voice as worthy. I think I simply want to be able to hold both equally: that my story has inherent worth AND I get to share it in a way that others find valuable.
I love that response! This is a super helpful way to think about it. Thank you so much for sharing!
Thanks for digging into it a little more! I appreciate it.
I understand all of this too well and love how you articulate your voice. I’ve deliberately woven gratitude into my writing because I felt obligated, and later, thought why am I like this!?
Oof, I have a whole chapter in my next book about how compulsive gratitude is weaponized against women to keep us from speaking out against mistreatment. When we’re told we should be grateful it usually means “stop complaining because we aren’t going to fix anything.”
YES!
I don't have any words except for THANK YOU.
Thank YOU for being here.
I love your writing, subscribed1