Thanks for being so vulnerable here, Gemma! There’s a lot to be said about the gatekeeping within the sober community.
I’ve been entrenched in the sober and sober curious community since 2015 and have struggled with the anti-cannabis agenda of the sober scene as well as the !!!ALCOHOL IS POISON!!! approach that many of my contemporaries take.
Just know that you’re always welcome to sit where I sit 💋
Your book is truly one of the most compassionate approaches to reevaluating alcohol, and I recommend it often. I KNOW I am welcome in your space, and it’s so refreshing.
Hello from another sober* person! I had a month without booze in August 2023. It was hard! Social occasions were challenging. I realised I'd been using booze to numb my discomfort and quieten my thoughts. That said, I didn't feel much different in terms of physical / mental health.. But then, as soon as I started drinking again, the difference was startling. Four months later and alcohol just isn't a factor in my life anymore. Like, if I'm going to find a social occasion challenging without alcohol, maybe I should just say no to that particular invitation?! I read something about a dopamine reset and while I can't vouch for the science, it certainly feels like I can generate my own joy now, rather than rely on a chemical to trigger it. I had a lovely birthday cocktail and wine with dinner the other night. But, if I do have the odd drink, it's always intentional. And, as you say, the freedom I have to drive – and plan stuff for the next day knowing for a fact I won't feel like shit – is life-changing!
Generating your own joy is huge! The intentionality of choosing those special or odd occasions makes the experience of drinking so different and illuminating. So glad to find other sober* folks here in this space. It makes it feel far less lonely.
Hey Gemma - I read this yesterday and refrained from commenting because I was having a "hot" reaction to it. After sitting, I still want to say a few things.
It's a big deal to drink less or barely drink in an alcohol-soaked culture. A big deal! It makes sense that you'd want to talk about it, and I hope you continue to, because it shifts the culture away from the delusion that alcohol is benign and required to enjoy or cope with just about anything.
As someone who overcame an acute addiction to alcohol and had to go through the intense, burn-it-all-down process of recovery, I do take issue with people who aren't sober calling themselves sober. It diminishes the experience of people who've gone through a tremendously difficult process to get sober, and it diminishes what they went through to have to.
My fiance stopped drinking in 2020 when he met me. Hasn't had a drink since, but isn't saying he never will, and doesn't call himself sober. He never had to get help, didn't have to go through a process to detox or recover from underlying issues. He just stopped. He may drink again, he may not. I know quite a few people like this. Cheryl Strayed recently wrote this piece for Oprah Daily: https://www.oprahdaily.com/life/health/a46190982/cheryl-strayed-soberish-life. Similar deal. She drinks a lot less, maybe a couple of times a year. She totally changed her relationship with alcohol and it's a huge deal to her because it reversed some problematic health indicators, and, as she says, "set her free."
I love when people talk about this type of change. When Cheryl wrote that piece, I knew she'd give a legion of women permission to look at the way they drink. I hope that slowly, our culture shifts to drinking being as common as not drinking, and these conversations are a big part of that.
But to say you're sober, to me, is like saying you're a marathon runner because you've run a total of 26.2 miles this month. It's like saying you've experienced antisemitism even though you're not Jewish, because your spouse is Jewish and has. You know something *of* these experiences, but you haven't walked them yourself. Nobody would call it gatekeeping to count you out of those circles.
I know what it's like to want community (I know there are Mindful Drinking communities like Sunnyside, Hello Sunday Morning, and more) and you deserve that, of course. I would talk to you all day about the benefits of not drinking, which are genuinely mind-blowing. But I wouldn't expect you to understand what I went through to get sober, or what it's like to be a person in recovery. The process of sobriety is life-forming and soul-defining and merits a certain respect.
Having your perspective helps me be more cognizant of my own use of language - and the way I differentiate sobriety from recovery. The point I was trying to get at in this essay was that I want to engage in sober (not recovery) spaces without feeling like an interloper, and I'm not always sure where my experience is welcome - and that's hard. To be told that I'm acting like someone who would claim antisemitism despite not being Jewish, especially by someone who holds so much sway in this space, felt so deeply like a call to shut up and sit down because my language wasn't precise enough. I don't think that was your intent (now that we briefly talked about it). I didn't necessarily feel called out by it, but I felt hurt by it, and I want to be truthful about that because it's been weighing on me.
I would never want to dismiss the process of recovery, or demand a seat at that table - I know that's not my place. I have always considered sobriety as a process of disentangling myself not only from the effects of alcohol but also the compulsive disassociation I sought with it, and the cultural pressures I felt around it. I didn't just stop drinking one day. Like I said it was years of problematic drinking and trying to get sober before I stopped drinking (and yes, at the time when I claimed sobriety fully, I truly thought I would never drink again). It took a really big life-changing shift, and not drinking in a variety of habitual-drinking situations over a long period of time for me to feel like I could have a drink without feeling like a danger to myself.
The word sobriety feels personally meaningful to me as something separate from recovery, as does the date I celebrate, but I also don't go around calling myself sober (I say I'm sober with an asterisk or sort-of sober when I have the space to elaborate, I say "I don't drink" when I'm in a social situation where I don't want to get into it all). I should have made that point, and the way in which I differentiate my experience from recovery more clear.
Thank you for engaging thoughtfully with this and giving me more to think about. Your work has been so valuable to me.
You’ve written about changing your relationship with alcohol. Such a positive experience. Labels are exactly that—labels. If you’re not actually sober you are always welcome in the rooms. Anyone can enter who has a desire to stop drinking.
As far as sober-versaries, who really cares? It’s your path. Abstinence is the way for me. I don’t have a moderate bone in my body—so moderation or management is not an option. It’s about my brain and my thinking. If you’re constantly thinking about how much or how little you’re drinking—are you really sober or just managing it? I need the head space for other stuff. 🤷🏻♂️Whatever works—it’s your journey.
(Continued) a drink every now and then when out with friends without my spouse. But it is still strange territory when we’re both at a party or out with friends together. It’s eye-opening to have to actively decline offers for alcohol and not really want to have to explain our choices.
The fact that we're supposed to have an excuse at the ready for why we don't want a drink is so indicative of the societal notions around alcohol being something that everyone should want and that to decline means there is something wrong/broken with you.
I have a friend who recently told me that being pregnant was such a relief because she finally had an easy out for not drinking without declaring that she was going to be sober forever. It's so tiring to constantly fight against the assumption that you have to either eschew alcohol forever and always or drink at every available opportunity.
This resonated with me so much. I became sober* after my spouse entered recovery for alcoholism. I personally never struggled with active addiction but would kind of always drink more than I deemed moderate/healthy because alcohol was always around and I was probably a bit too enmeshed in my spouse’s behaviors. I feel incredibly relieved now to not have alcohol part of our daily lives, and sobriety has been such a positive change for my spouse. But I do occasionally have
Pregnancy and breastfeeding is what gave me the opportunity to mostly stop drinking. I gave it up for months, years for the kids and then... I realized I didn’t want to go back. I no longer liked the taste as much. It felt awkward at first to not have the wine at the parent gatherings, but once I had a cup of something else to carry around, I didn’t care. I’m still mostly sober or perhaps teetotal is a more accurate word since it felt more like a choice and less like a difficult journey for me. But I occasionally have a small glass of wine and bubbly, for me that’s less than a handful of times a year. It’s not about restriction, it’s about realizing I didn’t like the experience of alcohol as much as I thought. It’s about allowing myself to be comfortable even if it’s “not cool.” I am the “weird one” in social situations at times but honestly since the pandemic I’m not often in a large groups of people I don’t know well drinking anymore.
Oh my gosh, Gemma! I loooooooved this post, even though I am sober (no asterisk). Except... I've experimented with being Cali Sober (where you don't drink alcohol but occasionally or frequently indulge in cannabis) and that's controversial too.
I think the points you raise here are very, very valid. The thing many of us "fully" sober folks forget is that the sober curious don't necessarily stay sober forever. They can also be sober curious forever, if they choose—which I kind of view as experimenting with sobriety long-term. Maybe that means having dry months a few times a year, maybe that means being sober* like you, whatever.
I remember, when I was getting sober, there's a group called Moderation Management. I don't think they're exactly what you're looking for but could be worth checking out. .
At the end of the day, I just want to WHOLEHEARTEDLY encourage you to keep talking about being sober with an asterisk. I am sure you're not alone, but as you noted, it's not something that's currently all that accepted in the sober community. But you know what they say... if you see a gap, then maybe you're the one to fill that gap.
I personally would love to hear more about your journey and experiences. Good luck! xoxo
Thank you, Irina. I have so much respect and celebration for those who choose full sobriety, and I just want there to be space for all of our experiences, so it can become normal to turn down a drink without explanation- simply because you don’t want one right now.
Thanks for being so vulnerable here, Gemma! There’s a lot to be said about the gatekeeping within the sober community.
I’ve been entrenched in the sober and sober curious community since 2015 and have struggled with the anti-cannabis agenda of the sober scene as well as the !!!ALCOHOL IS POISON!!! approach that many of my contemporaries take.
Just know that you’re always welcome to sit where I sit 💋
Your book is truly one of the most compassionate approaches to reevaluating alcohol, and I recommend it often. I KNOW I am welcome in your space, and it’s so refreshing.
Hello from another sober* person! I had a month without booze in August 2023. It was hard! Social occasions were challenging. I realised I'd been using booze to numb my discomfort and quieten my thoughts. That said, I didn't feel much different in terms of physical / mental health.. But then, as soon as I started drinking again, the difference was startling. Four months later and alcohol just isn't a factor in my life anymore. Like, if I'm going to find a social occasion challenging without alcohol, maybe I should just say no to that particular invitation?! I read something about a dopamine reset and while I can't vouch for the science, it certainly feels like I can generate my own joy now, rather than rely on a chemical to trigger it. I had a lovely birthday cocktail and wine with dinner the other night. But, if I do have the odd drink, it's always intentional. And, as you say, the freedom I have to drive – and plan stuff for the next day knowing for a fact I won't feel like shit – is life-changing!
Generating your own joy is huge! The intentionality of choosing those special or odd occasions makes the experience of drinking so different and illuminating. So glad to find other sober* folks here in this space. It makes it feel far less lonely.
Hey Gemma - I read this yesterday and refrained from commenting because I was having a "hot" reaction to it. After sitting, I still want to say a few things.
It's a big deal to drink less or barely drink in an alcohol-soaked culture. A big deal! It makes sense that you'd want to talk about it, and I hope you continue to, because it shifts the culture away from the delusion that alcohol is benign and required to enjoy or cope with just about anything.
As someone who overcame an acute addiction to alcohol and had to go through the intense, burn-it-all-down process of recovery, I do take issue with people who aren't sober calling themselves sober. It diminishes the experience of people who've gone through a tremendously difficult process to get sober, and it diminishes what they went through to have to.
My fiance stopped drinking in 2020 when he met me. Hasn't had a drink since, but isn't saying he never will, and doesn't call himself sober. He never had to get help, didn't have to go through a process to detox or recover from underlying issues. He just stopped. He may drink again, he may not. I know quite a few people like this. Cheryl Strayed recently wrote this piece for Oprah Daily: https://www.oprahdaily.com/life/health/a46190982/cheryl-strayed-soberish-life. Similar deal. She drinks a lot less, maybe a couple of times a year. She totally changed her relationship with alcohol and it's a huge deal to her because it reversed some problematic health indicators, and, as she says, "set her free."
I love when people talk about this type of change. When Cheryl wrote that piece, I knew she'd give a legion of women permission to look at the way they drink. I hope that slowly, our culture shifts to drinking being as common as not drinking, and these conversations are a big part of that.
But to say you're sober, to me, is like saying you're a marathon runner because you've run a total of 26.2 miles this month. It's like saying you've experienced antisemitism even though you're not Jewish, because your spouse is Jewish and has. You know something *of* these experiences, but you haven't walked them yourself. Nobody would call it gatekeeping to count you out of those circles.
I know what it's like to want community (I know there are Mindful Drinking communities like Sunnyside, Hello Sunday Morning, and more) and you deserve that, of course. I would talk to you all day about the benefits of not drinking, which are genuinely mind-blowing. But I wouldn't expect you to understand what I went through to get sober, or what it's like to be a person in recovery. The process of sobriety is life-forming and soul-defining and merits a certain respect.
Appreciate you writing about this.
Having your perspective helps me be more cognizant of my own use of language - and the way I differentiate sobriety from recovery. The point I was trying to get at in this essay was that I want to engage in sober (not recovery) spaces without feeling like an interloper, and I'm not always sure where my experience is welcome - and that's hard. To be told that I'm acting like someone who would claim antisemitism despite not being Jewish, especially by someone who holds so much sway in this space, felt so deeply like a call to shut up and sit down because my language wasn't precise enough. I don't think that was your intent (now that we briefly talked about it). I didn't necessarily feel called out by it, but I felt hurt by it, and I want to be truthful about that because it's been weighing on me.
I would never want to dismiss the process of recovery, or demand a seat at that table - I know that's not my place. I have always considered sobriety as a process of disentangling myself not only from the effects of alcohol but also the compulsive disassociation I sought with it, and the cultural pressures I felt around it. I didn't just stop drinking one day. Like I said it was years of problematic drinking and trying to get sober before I stopped drinking (and yes, at the time when I claimed sobriety fully, I truly thought I would never drink again). It took a really big life-changing shift, and not drinking in a variety of habitual-drinking situations over a long period of time for me to feel like I could have a drink without feeling like a danger to myself.
The word sobriety feels personally meaningful to me as something separate from recovery, as does the date I celebrate, but I also don't go around calling myself sober (I say I'm sober with an asterisk or sort-of sober when I have the space to elaborate, I say "I don't drink" when I'm in a social situation where I don't want to get into it all). I should have made that point, and the way in which I differentiate my experience from recovery more clear.
Thank you for engaging thoughtfully with this and giving me more to think about. Your work has been so valuable to me.
Thank you for voicing this, Laura. I wasn't sure how to.
You’ve written about changing your relationship with alcohol. Such a positive experience. Labels are exactly that—labels. If you’re not actually sober you are always welcome in the rooms. Anyone can enter who has a desire to stop drinking.
As far as sober-versaries, who really cares? It’s your path. Abstinence is the way for me. I don’t have a moderate bone in my body—so moderation or management is not an option. It’s about my brain and my thinking. If you’re constantly thinking about how much or how little you’re drinking—are you really sober or just managing it? I need the head space for other stuff. 🤷🏻♂️Whatever works—it’s your journey.
I’m sober* too. I’m not making words well at the moment, but I see you, and I love you.
Love you too. Thanks for seeing me and finding the right path for yourself too.
(Continued) a drink every now and then when out with friends without my spouse. But it is still strange territory when we’re both at a party or out with friends together. It’s eye-opening to have to actively decline offers for alcohol and not really want to have to explain our choices.
The fact that we're supposed to have an excuse at the ready for why we don't want a drink is so indicative of the societal notions around alcohol being something that everyone should want and that to decline means there is something wrong/broken with you.
I have a friend who recently told me that being pregnant was such a relief because she finally had an easy out for not drinking without declaring that she was going to be sober forever. It's so tiring to constantly fight against the assumption that you have to either eschew alcohol forever and always or drink at every available opportunity.
This resonated with me so much. I became sober* after my spouse entered recovery for alcoholism. I personally never struggled with active addiction but would kind of always drink more than I deemed moderate/healthy because alcohol was always around and I was probably a bit too enmeshed in my spouse’s behaviors. I feel incredibly relieved now to not have alcohol part of our daily lives, and sobriety has been such a positive change for my spouse. But I do occasionally have
Pregnancy and breastfeeding is what gave me the opportunity to mostly stop drinking. I gave it up for months, years for the kids and then... I realized I didn’t want to go back. I no longer liked the taste as much. It felt awkward at first to not have the wine at the parent gatherings, but once I had a cup of something else to carry around, I didn’t care. I’m still mostly sober or perhaps teetotal is a more accurate word since it felt more like a choice and less like a difficult journey for me. But I occasionally have a small glass of wine and bubbly, for me that’s less than a handful of times a year. It’s not about restriction, it’s about realizing I didn’t like the experience of alcohol as much as I thought. It’s about allowing myself to be comfortable even if it’s “not cool.” I am the “weird one” in social situations at times but honestly since the pandemic I’m not often in a large groups of people I don’t know well drinking anymore.
Oh my gosh, Gemma! I loooooooved this post, even though I am sober (no asterisk). Except... I've experimented with being Cali Sober (where you don't drink alcohol but occasionally or frequently indulge in cannabis) and that's controversial too.
I think the points you raise here are very, very valid. The thing many of us "fully" sober folks forget is that the sober curious don't necessarily stay sober forever. They can also be sober curious forever, if they choose—which I kind of view as experimenting with sobriety long-term. Maybe that means having dry months a few times a year, maybe that means being sober* like you, whatever.
I remember, when I was getting sober, there's a group called Moderation Management. I don't think they're exactly what you're looking for but could be worth checking out. .
At the end of the day, I just want to WHOLEHEARTEDLY encourage you to keep talking about being sober with an asterisk. I am sure you're not alone, but as you noted, it's not something that's currently all that accepted in the sober community. But you know what they say... if you see a gap, then maybe you're the one to fill that gap.
I personally would love to hear more about your journey and experiences. Good luck! xoxo
Thank you, Irina. I have so much respect and celebration for those who choose full sobriety, and I just want there to be space for all of our experiences, so it can become normal to turn down a drink without explanation- simply because you don’t want one right now.