Nice Guys™ are just assholes cosplaying as good men

show me how they treat the women who don't choose them back

Back in high school, there was a brief period of time when Rob and I broke up and each dated one other person. The other boy I dated was great (truly, I hope Troy is out there living his best life), but I eventually broke it off, since I was still pining after Rob.

Because we lived in a small town and news traveled fast, I soon found myself texting with a “friend” who had heard through the grapevine about my breakup. The friend had an unrequited crush on me, which I had always managed carefully (show me a 16-year-old girl who’s not already skilled in emotional labor).

He was mining me for information, figuring out whether he could shoot his shot, so I was very clear that I was emotionally unavailable. I liked Rob, full stop. Regardless of whether we were going to get back together, I wasn’t interested in anyone else.

And that’s when things turned. He started complaining about how unfair it was that “nice guys” always had to stand by and watch girls get their hearts broken by guys who don’t deserve them. How there were plenty of good guys out there willing to treat me well (subtle) but who cares, right? Nice guys never get the girl. They’re there to be the emotional support, but it’s the jerks who end up getting all the attention — not the nice guys who deserve it.

But of course, he wasn’t mad at Rob for being a supposed “jerk.” He was mad at me for making the wrong choice. For not wanting the “nice guy.” For not choosing him. The whole interaction was emotionally manipulative and designed to make me feel like the bad guy, and oh my god, how I wish I could go back in time and tell this dude to GET FUCKED.

I cannot remember exactly what I said, but I know it was all very sympathetic and careful in tone and apologetic on behalf of all the wretched girls like me who dared be attracted to the “wrong guy.” There was certainly a “you’ll find a great girl someday” sprinkled into my apology, to which he responded: “But there’s only one girl I want 😞” (mmhmm, subtle).

Again, and louder for the nice guys in the back: GET ABSOLUTELY FUCKED.

In the end, my choosing Rob felt very validating because here I am 20(!) years later and still incredibly pleased with my choice. He is not a superficial “nice guy” but a genuinely good man and partner — and trust me, there is a big difference. But to be perfectly honest, that’s beside the point.

Let’s say I chose a stereotypical bad guy. A guy who breaks my heart, who doesn’t listen to me, who causes me pain and refuses to acknowledge the ways he hurts me. According to “nice guy” logic, my willful stupidity in making the wrong choice means I’m deserving of whatever bad treatment comes my way. If there were nice guys available, I have only my own poor judgement to blame for my suffering. I should have chosen better, right?

Nice guys are never mad at other men for their bad behavior — they are mad at women for not being more discerning in their choice of a partner. They blame women for not seeing the red flags that may or may not be there in the beginning. And they hate women for not making the logical choice, the best choice: a nice guy like them.

A lot of this skewed perspective is based in male entitlement, the idea that men are owed certain things like adoration, attraction, affection, sex, simply by merit of being nice.¹ In my next book, No One Loves An Angry Woman, I’ve been writing a lot about what we expect from “good men,” and what society deems is owed to them for that goodness. The bar, as you might expect, is in hell.

Men’s goodness is not defined by their active support of women — emotional, domestic, or otherwise. Instead we call men good when they are not actively and intentionally causing harm. Extra cookies if they are attempting to be “nice.” Whether or not they continually perpetuate harm is beside the point as long as they can garner the benefit of the doubt that they didn’t intend that harm. We always give good men a pass for their bad behavior if they say they didn’t mean it.

Recently, I wrote about how we shouldn’t give men a pass when they are causing their partners significant emotional distress and physical burnout by refusing to share the mental and domestic load, even if they’re not doing so maliciously. And surprise, surprise, I had a lot of nice guys in the comments breathlessly telling me:

1. What good guys they are! They cook and clean. It’s not that hard guys.

2. How upset they are that women would willingly choose men who aren’t nice guys like them! It BAFFLES them. Clearly they knew these were bad guys from the start, what did they expect?

They believed their self-perceived goodness allowed them to ruthlessly criticize women experiencing abuse for having poor judgement of character, for not wanting “nice guys,” and for not leaving a bad situation.² Those same self-proclaimed nice guys had absolutely no interest in criticizing the behavior of abusive men.

They wanted women to answer for their behavior, because for these entitled assholes, women are always to blame. They want women to take “personal responsibility” for choosing wrong, which is really just a dog whistle way of saying they want to see women punished for not choosing them.

There’s plenty to be said about how difficult it is to decipher how men will behave in long term relationships, even without adding in the charisma and careful social positioning abusers are generally known for. But “nice guys” aren’t actually interested in why women choose bad men. Instead, they want to feel victimized for not being chosen, and vindicated when women suffer at the hands of other men. They literally get off on this shit — and then get offended if someone suggests misogynistic schadenfreude isn’t “nice.”

I don’t think I’ve ever met a man who calls himself a “nice guy,” who isn’t also deeply misogynistic in both his behavior and attitude toward women who don’t show him the deference he thinks he is owed. You only get the “nice” if you’re willing to fawn. You only get dignity if he thinks you deserve it. How nice is the nice guy who has such disdain for any woman who wouldn't choose him?

Again I think back to that boy from high school, throwing a tantrum and expecting me to absorb his fury with my emotional labor. Nice until I stepped out of line. Nice until I chose someone else. Nice always has conditions, a silent contract full of implicit misogyny.

I’ll never forget that it was “nice guys” who came to comment on Elliot Rodger’s killing spree in Isla Vista, not to condemn him but to sympathize with his rejection. To gleefully warn women that this is what happens when you don’t give “nice guys” the time of day.³ It’s not jut a warning but a threat. Choose well or else…

They wouldn’t do such a thing of course. They wouldn’t take the sort of actions that would make them look like the bad guys they actually are in their entitled, fucked-up hearts. But they sure don’t hate to see women meet an awful end.

Real nice, right?

1.

Kate Manne

’s Entitled is a brilliant deep dive into the topic of male entitlement and the ways it drives misogynistic behavior

2. Alternately, the women chiming in with how and why they DID leave received admonishment for “breaking up their family” or having “poor communication skills”

3.

Rose Hackman

explains how this feeds into toxic male “protector” culture - “good guys” need the threat of male violence to drive women under their protection.